Back to My Pre-Pregnancy—Wait

Several months ago, I wrote a post entitled, "Will I Still Love Her?" in which I talked about my previous struggles with body image, the surprising contentment I was feeling during pregnancy, and my concern about whether or not I would continue to feel that same peace in the later weeks of pregnancy as well as postpartum. As I neared the end of my pregnancy, I grew increasingly uncomfortable in my body, but not about my body. I found my first stomach stretch mark to be cute. Seriously.

Now here I sit at nearly 10 weeks postpartum. My body is empty, but the cute mark (and its less attractive friends) remain. For some reason, my hair seems a bit greasier between washes. While my legs are no longer swollen many of my shoes are strangely tight. As for the rest of my clothes? Well, honestly, it depends on which pair of pants I'm trying on that day. I have stepped on the scale exactly twice since coming home. I don't remember what I weighed when I got pregnant, but I do know I lost about 16lbs when my son was born (and he accounted for 8lbs and 4oz of it!)

It seems to me that most of the conversation surrounding women's bodies post-partum is that they're worse off in some way. They're heavier. Skin is looser, marred. Nothing fits right. I noted much of the same above and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't uncomfortable or frustrating at times, but overall I appreciate what my body has done. It bears the mark of motherhood as do the bodies of so many women before me.

There are so many products out there marketed for me to get back to my pre-pregnancy body—it's the goal for many, isn't it? We want to erase all evidence that we'd ever carried a child. We feel embarrassment over our "mom-pouch" and we hide our stretch marks. There's tops we avoid because they no longer offer the look that they did before. I am fortunate and surprised to not feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect in this. Just the other day, my husband snapped a picture that I immediately cropped because I hated my arms in it but overall I have a contented appreciation, bordering on indifference, for my body.

I am grateful for the mindset that I can celebrate these changes to my body. They're all markers of me accomplishing something I've dreamed of for years. I wish that I had this love years before becoming a mom. As amazing as this new role is, it should not be where I derive my personal value. At my lightest (and my heaviest), my body has sustained me. The ability of my body to maintain homeostasis should be celebrated. The ability to smile or laugh. To move. To breath. The marks that adorn my body, every stretch mark and every scar, bear testament to the fact that I've lived. They tell my story.

I am a mother now and that has changed me irrevocably—inside and out. When I sit down and consider my goals and aspirations moving forward, the wants and needs of one tiny human will always have their role in those decisions (and that's not to mention my husband, either!)

Chasing down my pre-pregnancy weight is arbitrary. Meaningless.

Developing my postpartum way, establishing who I am as a mother, that is everything.

I will exercise more because I want to do more. I want to take my son for walks and explore the world with him. Before I know it, he'll be up and running and I want the energy to chase him. I will work to eat better because I want to feel better and I want him to understand the importance of good fuel for our bodies. And on the days that this post feels like a stretched truth, if not a full-out lie, I will practice positive self-talk because I need him to know that his worth goes so far beyond his appearance. My value is not just in being a mother, but wow do I value the opportunity my husband and I have to lead him and guide him.

My life will never be the same as it was before. I (and you, too, if you're a mom) have been irrevocably changed by a tiny human who is utterly dependent upon me. That doesn't change, even if the numbers on the scale do. These arms carry him. These legs bounce him. These smiles draw his eyes. Even the voice that I hate calms his tired body and lulls him off to sleep.

It may be hard, but I can assure you that that tiny human will not waste a moment to consider how you look over how you interact with them. You are loved and valued exactly as you are. My point isn't that you shouldn't try to lose weight or get back into the shape you were in post-pregnancy. If it makes you happy, do it. But evaluate why it makes you happy. If it's an arbitrary goal based on societal standard? Don't waste your time fulfilling ideals. Focus on what matters to you. Don't chase the past. Be present.

To practice what I preach... here's that picture I mentioned. No cropping. Insecurity flare-ups aren't going to be the reason my son lacks photos with his mama.