Communication, Grace, and the First Year of Marriage

A year has come and gone; August 18, 2019 is here. Luke and I have been married for exactly one year. This past year has been a roller coaster ride, and yesterday I truly got to appreciate how much growth we have attained.

On the way to the zoo, I out of the blue remarked that I felt my recent tiredness and emotional state was the result of financial worry. Our circumstances have changed and I am now back to working full-time, while Luke works part-time and attends graduate school. Before this change, we were putting significant money into savings. After this change, it has been much less. We talked this through and Luke pointed out how the fact that we are able to pay our bills with money left over, is a feat. We are a self-sustaining unit (okay, God-sustained but you get my point) and we're only 23 years old.

At the zoo, I became anxious while inside the aquarium. I don't do well with large crowds, but it was manageable outside. I made the following statement to Luke: "I need you to lead in here. I'm feeling overwhelmed." He immediately took point and lead me through the crowds. When we approached tanks, he cleared a path and used his body as a buffer to give me space from strangers.

When we returned home, we presented each other gifts. Each of us followed the tradition of the first anniversary gift being "paper." Fortunately, Luke's idea followed this theme and he continued with it as planned. The gift? A jar full of "Family Fun Friday" date ideas.

Am I saying all of this to gush? Partially. Am I saying all of it because a year ago I couldn't? Yes.

My relationship with Luke has not and will never be perfect. It can't be. We're far too human and far too sinful for that. Throughout our relationship, we've struggled with communication. Luke is straightforward and to the point. He says what he wants to say, when he feels it needs to be said, and doesn't bring too much emotion into it. I am slow to speak. I wait for someone to ask and stew while they don't. I consider every word and wax poetically about my feelings. To say it simply, our communication styles were opposite ends of a spectrum. Most of our arguments throughout the last five years can probably be attributed to this, honestly.

I don't know why, but I had the silly idea that everything would suddenly change when we got married. The idea that, somehow, Luke would just suddenly know to ask how I was feeling, could respond to my emotions with perfect empathy, and would engage me with my love language. The idea that, suddenly, I would be free of my self-consciousness in expressing feelings, that I would be calm whenever I wasn't immediately understood. It was a very silly and incorrect idea of marriage. Fortunately, we had always been adamant that we couldn't walk away angry. I didn't expect that we would have to communicate, often, about how to communicate. Yet we did.

And it was the best thing ever. Seriously.

No, it was not always pretty. I was much more reactionary than any person had the right to be. But it was good. I started to be direct. In the middle of an argument, I began to say things such as "You saying that is making me angry and that doesn't put me in a good place for this conversation" or "I understand you're trying to help, but right now I need you to do x or say x or stop x." I realized that if I want to establish proper communication, I must communicate what I need. In turn, Luke began to communicate his needs. He began to say things like, "it would be helpful if you would..." or "I don't know x, if you don't tell me y." We began to say sorry.

We're stubborn people. In the heat of an argument, I will distance myself and be adamant that the truth doesn't matter, because it wasn't said in a palatable way. Luke will say whatever needed to turn the conversation around. When we started to become direct, we started to say sorry. Instead of stacking up wrongs and throwing around blame, we were humbled. Repentant. Listening. Growing.

By the grace of God we were able to put ourselves to the side and to consider the other. I didn't realize how much we were growing. Every day was a process of sanctification as we sought to love the other more than ourselves. It was so easy to focus on the negative. As long as I was focused on what he was doing wrong, what he could do better, I didn't have to think about me. I'm much more selfish than I realized or ever wanted to be.

Let me be clear: This is not something that happened over night. These are not resolutions that appeared just because we got married. This level of communication and grace is something that we have been working at and praying about for nearly five years. Yesterday I simply had an epiphany, a moment to put side by side who we were when we met and who we are now.

Yesterday I spoke up about my emotions, instead of stewing with them. I put out that I wanted to talk about our finances, instead of waiting for Luke to magically guess what was weighing on my mind. We talked. He listened. He advised. My mind was put at ease.

Yesterday I let him know that I was feeling overwhelmed in the aquarium instead of waiting and lashing out when he kindly asked if I was okay. At times, in my frustration, I believed he wasn't trying to learn how to cope with my emotions. During my growth, I led him through how to help me. In this moment? He took charge. He kept me close, shielded me, directed me through. I didn't have to tell him. He just knew.

Yesterday, he planned not just one Family Fun Friday event (something I had came up with months ago but fell through with) but an entire jar. This came after months of communicating how I'd like him to initiate more outings.

Yesterday I realized that we were becoming the couple that I thought marriage would just magically make us. It was reaffirmed that love is a continual choice and continual death to self.

I'm no expert on marriage, but I think that's why some relationships fail so quickly. Relationships have become transactions and expendable. People give to them only as much as they take out. When things don't work, they exchange them. It is easy to love when life is easy. It is a choice to love when life is hard. It is not easy to stay and to fight to fix something.

If I want to love Luke in a way that emulates the way God loves me, I must die to self. I must love and care for him even if I feel that he is not being loving nor caring to me (spoiler alert: this is almost always skewed by my emotions). He must do the same for me.

A few years ago, I argued with a coworker who proclaimed confidently that Luke and I would divorce quickly--if we even married at all. This last year has shown me that we will only strengthen as the years go by, so long as our focus is on loving the other well and in a way that honors God.

If you're struggling in your relationship, I urge you to consider your communication. Are you telling how you feel without trying to hurt the other? Are you listening with an open mind to how you may have wronged your partner? Have you extended grace when they fail? Have you extended it even when you feel they haven't extended it to you?

I'm thankful to God that he is showing us how to love as he loves, to forgive us he forgives, and to extend grace as he's given to us. Without him as our focus, my coworker may have been right. With him as our foundation, I know year two will find us with even more growth.

Seek to love the other more than yourself. Communicate. Extend grace. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

Blessings to you,

Shaniah

Photo Credits: Kris Mellinger.