Stagnation

A week from today I'll have been married for one year. Wow, that's crazy. In a week, I'll be posting a blog update about what the first year of marriage has been like, but for this I want to focus on this past year for me as an individual.

As most of you probably know, I graduated college in May 2018, receiving a B.S in Human Services and B.A in Missions. I have two minors (psychology and community mental health). The path forward seemed clear. I had a job as a TSS that I absolutely loved, I'd be getting married at the end of summer, and taking a year off before starting grad school.

As most of you probably know from other posts of mine, my job as a TSS didn't work out. This has been something that I've been struggling with for the last year. Don't get me wrong. I took a job in a daycare in Cranberry and I love what I do. It's just that leaving the mental health field made me feel like I was "wasting my degree." When Luke finished his final semester of college, I thought that I'd be preparing for graduate school the following year... I attended the Open Houses and was considering applying for the Master of Arts program in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.

Then Luke and I decided to really chat about our future plans. These went through some changes, but he's now been accepted into the Master of Divinity program at Trinity School of Ministry. He'll be a student full-time while working part-time.

What am I up to?

Well, after taking a small break in hours during the summer, I've returned to working full-time. All graduate plans have been placed on hold and I'm not going to lie...it's kind of sad. I've got another blog post in the works that need some fine tuning before it gets posted, but in it I talk about becoming a stay at home mom. *No, I'm not pregnant*

It's just that, when we have kids, our intention is for me to be a stay-at-home mom and to eventually cyber/home-school our children. With that in mind, even if we wait the three years of his time in seminary, pursuing a Master's degree doesn't make sense. It's just racking up greater debt for another degree I "won't use."

Stagnation. The point of this post. For the last couple of months, I feel as though I've been watching my friend's lives, my husband's life, move forward while mine has been stagnate. I'm not pursuing my dream career nor am I immediately launching into motherhood. I'm just waiting. I talk about this more in the blog-post-to-be, but I struggle with knowing the path I'm to be on.

Is being a stay-at-home mom what I'm supposed to do? Is getting my Master's now actually a good idea, even if I don't think I'll use it? Is being "just" a wife enough? (I'm not trying to slam being a stay-at-home mom, I've just be raised in a culture that tells me I need to do more.) Is it wrong to want to work outside of the home and not devote all of my time to child-rearing?

These are the questions I ask myself daily and discuss with Luke routinely. As someone who spent a majority of her childhood being raised by the grandparents who lived at home with us, I want to be available to my kids at all times. As someone who spent a majority of her teen years living with a poverty mindset as my mom tried to support us on her own with some child support from my father, I worry about supporting a family on one income, particularly as the career of pastor is not the most lucrative.

All this to say... I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of the road, not sure where I should be heading, and watching other's walk on to their own paths.

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I am only 23 years old. I don't have to have my entire life planned out. I don't need to have all the answers. It's okay to have a period of rest. It's okay to not be "moving forward." There is a purpose for all things that I am doing because God has been guiding my steps. If he's not leading me forward, it's because I am meant to be still, to wait, to trust. The comparison game has brought me down, but I must focus on where I am and how God is using me here.

The group of kiddos that I work with have been some of the most challenging and delightful little people to get to know. Daily I find myself reflecting on my human services courses and my time as a TSS. My job may not be mental health in any official capacity, but every day I help children to express negative emotions in positive ways and to develop better coping strategies than those they're currently using. In the last year, I've watched these children grow so much. My "wasted" degree has been used every day. By the time I become a mom, I'll have gained ample experience in handling multiple infants, toddlers, and preschoolers at the same time... motherhood test run, anyone?

My past experience has prepared me for the present and my present has me preparing for my future, whatever it may ultimately be.

Like I said, I really love my job. It brings me such joy to watch these kids learn how to read, to listen as they use their words instead of their actions, and to see them grow into their own personalities. There are draining parts of the day, sure, but as a whole... I wouldn't trade a thing. I'm honored that I get to be one of the people helping them in this journey.

I don't know how long I'll be at this job. Maybe until I have children of my own, maybe even longer than that. Whatever the case may be, I'm going to work to treasure and appreciate where I am right now, because God has a plan for it--he'll lead me where I'm meant to be, when I'm meant to be there.

I'd encourage you not to compare yourselves to others; everyone has a different path to take. Instead, I'd encourage you to examine where you are and what you are supposed to do there. That's what I am trying to do, at least.

It doesn't mean that I won't be asking questions or pondering my future, but I'll be striving to do so without worrying about what other people are doing or what they've accomplished and instead take into consideration where God is calling me.

Blessings,

Shaniah