No Cushion, Only Christ

Over a year ago, Luke and I started seriously saving for our wedding. We put aside money during the summer and decided exactly how much we needed to put aside from our smaller pays in the school year to meet our goals. By the end of our senior year, all that was needed for the wedding itself was supposed to have been saved for and then Luke would continue to save for the honeymoon during the following summer, and I would focus on just living in Beaver Falls while putting aside money towards the future post-wedding. The notebook pages dedicated to this plan were beautiful, simple, and fell to pieces in my hand the moment the rainy days hit. You see, for the month of May and part of June.. I was working only about 6 hours at my company. This is literally no fault of theirs. They sat with me for cumulative HOURS trying to find cases that suited my schedule. They gave me office hours to compensate. In short, I had the best bosses I could have asked for in one of the worst situations I could have imagined. I was determined to stick it out. I dipped into savings. I told myself that I needed to make the plan work so I had to do it on my own. (aka I didn't tell anyone that I was actually scared about my ability to afford anything) I was stupid, frankly. My savings depleted to nothing but my hours eventually went up. I thought eventually we’d level off and the plan would resume. My hours dropped again. I found a new job. Even through all of this, I wasn't particularly worried; I was concerned about not keeping up my end of the plan (hello, pride), but still confident because Luke was going to have money left over after his honeymoon savings. We called it our cushion. Even when things pinched, I knew there was a release. Then Luke got his car inspected.

The welcoming cushion that kept me calm when funds were falling was ripped out. My anxiety skyrocketed. Currently, I have rent, a car insurance payment, and a phone bill all set to be paid this week. I keep repeating to myself over and over that I need my last paycheck from my old job to be at least X amount. I keep telling myself that if I only get that amount I'll have squeezed through the final pinch.

I. I. I.

What about God? Surely he has a plan on this and won't let me fail, right?

Maybe.

Wait, what?

Yes, I said maybe.

That "maybe" is the exact reason I'm writing this post and sharing this now. Often times my reflections come after a resolution has happened. I love being able to share with you the difficult moments that God has led me to overcome. Maybe there will even be a part two to this particular post in which I do that. But right now, I don't have that assurance.

Yes, all things work for the good of God's people, but who am I to say that being poverty-stricken and homeless isn't the exact way in which I can most bless others with my faith? Struggling could easily be what is better for me, though I wouldn't realize it for maybe months or years afterwards. I know that a reward is waiting and that all things make sense in time, but honestly? I don't want to hear that it gets better because that doesn't help me right now. That's still in the future, but right now, in the present, I am anxious and I am worried about my finances.

The thing is I'm living in the unknown. I don't know if it's God's plan for me to sink or swim. It's great if you've been poor and are now making vast amounts of money. I'm happy to hear how you've been blessed, absolutely, please don't misunderstand. It's just that... that experience may not be how I'm blessed and I'm nervous about it. God has been so gracious to me in many, many ways this summer especially through the people he's placed in my life. But at some point, it may be time for me to learn the harder aspects of life.

If I swim, I swim by God's grace. If I sink, well, I know that the ocean I'm drowning in is cupped in the hands of God and so even then there should be no place that I'd rather be.

I don't know God's plan for my life. I don't know his plan for tomorrow. But he does. So here I am just trying to trust that it will be good and praying that I honor him in it.

Blessings, '

Shaniah

ps In no way is this post asking for money from you or geared to make you feel bad for me. I just want to be willing to open up and talk about the hard things while they're still hard.