Faith, Trust, and Crippling Anxiety

As some of you probably know, for the last month I've lived on my own in preparation for Luke and I to be married in August and for him to complete his final semester of undergrad. This was not the initial plan. However, it is the plan that we had to take.

Except, things still aren't going quite to plan.

Here's a recap of how we got to today. Luke and I were saving for the wedding (and he was also saving for the honeymoon) and then we had to add in rent. We toured a beautiful home that we really wanted to rent, but the owners decided to go with a couple who was older and more established. It was a bummer but that couple needed out of their lease agreement and that is how Luke and I found Our First Apartment. This place is quirky but man oh man is it a blessing.

You see, money started to just FLY out the bank account. Security deposit, rent, my phone bill and car insurance, gas and electric; not to mention wedding invitations, an unplanned passport, stamps, etc... bills old and new just gutted the bank account to the point that I tapped into my wedding savings. *We interrupt this blog post to bring concerned parents an important message: We're not going to be homeless. There are some extra funds. This is just a deviation from the plan. End broadcast.*

Here's the thing: The plan was for me to be working enough hours that I could pay for everything on my own out here and Luke's money would exclusively go into paying wedding costs and for the honeymoon. Divide and conquer. On paper, the plan was perfect; in fact, on paper I had excess. However, on paper, I had at least 32 hours of work each week. At times during this month I have worked, literally, 6 hours. I love my job and adore my company, but the problem is sometimes the hours aren't there right away. Being a TSS can be a bit fickle. So, I started to fear. Is this the right job for me? Should I get a part time job on top of this? Maybe TSS work should be my part time job? Do I just come back to this field later in life? These are real questions that I'm still asking because I am still in the Fear Zone. I've cried more times than I care to admit and made Luke crunch numbers with me more times than I'm proud of. One time, I slammed my laptop shut and literally ran from my house and walked at Brady's Run for an hour hoping that I could out walk anxiety. This month I've seen many an emotional low, but that's not where I'm meant to stay.

Let me stop here to say that God has been abundantly gracious unto me. My father swooped in with boxes of food and helped me. My boss created work for me to do to have something. Even currently not fitting into my wedding dress[yep, I'm even trying to find a silver-lining here, too] has kept me from needing to spend money in that department just yet. My needs have been met sufficiently. On paper I had excess but in reality I have had what is sufficient

I am learning trust at my heavenly father's feet and it scares me. Just today I had an earnest prayer asking for some sort of sign to say that this was an exercise in trust as opposed to my stubborn clinging to the job that I want. I'm bad at knowing the difference. But the hours are coming. Slowly, but surely I am building up hours and potential excess will replace savings and the plan will be rerouted.

Or maybe not.

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

These are my fears and honest thoughts. The Lord has been gracious unto me and kind beyond measure. My needs have been sufficiently met in all regards as I've taken on this endeavor and I covet your prayers that he would continue to faithfully meet those needs and that I would trust in him.. It is a scary period of transition, but I know that ultimately all things are in his control.

All this to say, even in the hard and scary times, even when I don't know what going to happen next, I can know that I'll be okay. Even if I have to remind myself daily.

Blessings,

Shaniah